Lay your head back

Close your eyes

Just say yes.

And it’ll be over soon.

Now, my question is this: if that is what you’ve always done, what does it mean for your soul?

What does sex mean to me anyways? I can say the words “making love” and “I feel so close to you right now” or even “I love you”

But I am now questioning if I have ever really meant or even felt any of these things.

Promiscuity. Easily achieved when you’re a small, fit, attractive female. A cycle easy to fall into. But when that is all you have ever known, where does the line get drawn in a relationship? What kind of impermeable wall does this habit construct around the quiet and sensitive heart?

Does my history with the word ‘yes’ tarnish the actual consent I give? Is it even consent if I have never chosen not to?

At what point does one step back and realize that ‘no’ is actually an option…?

If you always say yes, you never have to say no.

When do you wake up and see where you are, who you’re with, and how serious it really is in your brain and heart (if it’s there at all) ?

How many times am I going to demand these queries of myself before I finally discover–or admit–the answer?

I have always felt obliged to stick by the choices I make. Usually against better judgement or concern, I stand and say “I made this choice, of COURSE it’s what I want” before stopping to think that maybe, just maybe, this isn’t what I intended. I never think to demand of my world what I want. I just take what comes to me and decided that must be my heart’s desire.

A sign outside a car dealership in town reads this week “If you never change your mind, why have one.”

I have forgotten my birth right to change my damn mind. I will remain accountable for choices I make, but who says I have to stick with the outcome? Could I not, just as easily, see that this thing is not what I thought it was, or that I imagined it differently, or that I am simply projecting my dreams onto others?

At what point is it acceptable for me to walk away? How much is too much? Where is the line between giving up and knowing what’s best for you?

How long do I have to dissent with myself before I can walk away from something that maybe I have known all along is not good for me?

Who is going to answer all these questions for me??

Who decides when I get to walk away?