Archives for the month of: April, 2012

In one of favorite video games, the narrator interjects every time your character is about to die. The screen goes foggy and he says “No, no, that’s not how it happened. Let me begin again.”

How great would it be if, in life, after time and choices have proved you wrong or naive, you could say “No, no. Let me begin again.”

I skipped dance tonight for the first time on the gtpunds of feeling like total caca. I never miss. And my dad picked me up and informed me that he and my mom spent the entire evening looking over finances and that there is no possible way they can scrape together the money to send to me to UNCG. They may not even have the money to get through college in state. With all of my scholarships. (Btw I got into UNCG and up until this evening had my heart set on going there instead of Kansas).

So I feel totally lost. And to tie in the “Let me begin again,” there are probably Hundreds of things I would’ve not done or not asked for had I known it would come down to this in thd end.

Hindsight’s 20/20 though, and there’s nothing I can do but cry and pray and hope.

Send some luck my way,
Ebony Feather

I would much rather cry to happy music than sad. Because I can always cheer up after I’m done crying with happy music, where sad music just makes me wanna die.

I got a lot going on right now that I super don’t feel like typing out right this second, but I promise I’ll fill you in later.

Ebony

High school is really dumb! Oh my Goodness!
Already today I have see various and multiple forms of pettiness and immaturity. There is no hope here.

Have you ever thought about how insignificant your problems are? While you are hurting for the money to buy a new phone or hairdryer, there is someone out there in the world struggling to keep their family from starvation.
Starvation.

It’s a heavy word that I don’t think a lot of people comprehend. Starving means your body can no longer function from lack of nutrients, like those in food. It means being so hungry you die.

Now think of the times you’ve said jokingly “I’m starving!”

It feels different now, doesn’t it?

In the grand scheme of life, there are very Very few things that you actually need. Clothes. Food. Water. Shelter.

Yeah, Jimmy Choo’s are great, beautiful shoes. But if you were fighting for survival, you would be thinking about whether you would get to eat today or not. Not about how much your shoes cost or how great they look.
It’s great to have a big house, nice and comfortable. But what if you had to dig through landfills to find sheets of plastic big enough to make a roof out of because the rain at night is cold enough to make you sick?
Or what about those days when it’s 30 degrees out and you can’t find your Uggs? What if it was 30 degrees out and you had no shoes, no coat, and no blanket?

The word Need is totally subjective. Relative. And I know that most people I know have never been in a situation like these -where shelter and food are scarce- including me. But it is important to understand how lucky, how privileged we are to not truly want for anything.

The moral of this story: the complaints you have are insignificant. And to realize why, you must become a connected member of the human race. An understanding, present individual that is aware of their role on the planet.

My newest revelation
E. Feather

Today I got accepted to the other university I auditioned for! UNCG. But to refer to the negative air of this post, I called financial aid at Kansas and discovered that with the current funds, I cannot feasibly go there. It’s just too much for me and my family. And I feel as though I have been crushed.
How many people are lucky enough to get into their number one?

I don’t even know what to do or say. Wish me luck.

EF

As I’m sure everyone has noticed, the weather is finally settling into the warm patterns of early summer. And for me, that is pure joy. It means the end of SADD, the end of the school year (and that means the whole shebang this year), and the end of being stuck inside WITHOUT THE SUN.  For me, the lack of sunshine is very stressful. I feed om vitamin, quite like superman. Not kidding. If you’ve seen Wall-e, there’s a scene where he slugs out of his little shack, drags himself onto the roof and manages to unfold his solar panel. This is how I feeling at the beginning of the season. Amazing. Recharged.

Reviltalization.

An unmarkable glow, like that lit by the setting sun on a hot summer night, fills my head, heart, and soul.

Potential.

The ebb and flow of life just doesn’t seem so bad in the summer. The waves are… relaxing in the summer, instead of capsizing, like they are in winter.

 

food for thought

E.F.

Today’s thought: Why can’t we be friends?

No, but seriously. Why not?

What powerful force is keeping everyone apart? Why can’t our differences be insignificant, or even interesting? Why can’t the same differences that currently drive us apart pull us together?

Or, in the words of the the wise internet vlogger Jenna Marbles, can’t we just hang out and be bitches together?

 

Seriously, people. If I can do it, I’m pretty sure anyone can.

Let me explain. I forgot to tell you some stuff!

I GOT THE PART. Of Belle. In the high school production.. I am fucking excited. The only downside is that we double-cast most of the female parts. And I get to share my role with- not my close friend- the fat bitch that hates me because I’m skinny and a good dancer. Awesome, right?
But I’ve managed to be the bigger person for most of this (oh God, no pun intended) and keep the drama to a minimum.

We have practice everyday after school and every three hour chunk of my life is a huge waste. We get nothing done and no one but me cares anyways. Cool right? I just rented THE Belle dress (the poofy yellow one).

Ummmm…. I don’t know else happened that I forgot to talk about, but there it is!

OH OK I REMEMBER SOME. We went to our first couple show choir competitions. We got grand champs at the first one, third at the next two. Now I’ll have you all know that those are very worked-for thirds. The two comps that gave us third are comps that we would’ve been laughed out of in years past. And we contended this year. (As you can see, I’m a very proud dance captain about all that.)

On that note, the show choir performed for the entire school, and for the first time ever, we’re cool. It’s weird. But awesome. inally appreciated for our talents and passions instead of being mocked.

Jake got me a pillow pet for Valentine’s day. The rarest unicorn. Be jealous. We spent the evening at my best friend’s house cooking because I love her and he loves food. I mean me. Whatever lol. The rest of February flew by.
I took the SAT and the  ACT and did pretty well.
Today I received my first letter from my Navy man. It was super sweet and kinda have me a heart murmur. He’s tired and sore and alive. And will be on leave for my graduation.. I don’t totally know how to react to it. The last time I talked to Jake about it, he was more than understanding about my girly emotions and even…permissive. But that is no longer relevant.

I read the hunger games. I am still in shock. Amazing books.

I volunteered at the local pet shop! Super fun, the most productive I’ve been in a while.

I finally got my hair cut and am now using a keratin treatment that is turning it AWESOME.

One of my ex-friends is going to prom with my ex-boyfriend. Don’t even ask me how I feel about this. She has no conception of girl code. >.>

Me and my friends planned and booked our senior trip- one week, one condo, $200 of food, 10 bottles of Australian gold, 10 towels, 35 bikinis, and 8 girls. So. Pumped.

I finally get to sing jazz-y things with the jazz band!!! So excited. Jump for Joy by Duke Ellington (Like Peggy Lee)

I am also tentatively picking a piece for the choir senior recital. Maybe Cabaret, or Ready to Fly (Richard Marx), or Finally by Fergie. Who knows!

I got my prom dress fitted! Finally. I still can’t find jewelry…
I saw 21 jump street. Hilarious. #ChanningTatum
I also saw Titanic. Oh my God.

My best friend made out with her brother’s 22 year old best friend #awkward #shelikedit #iknowthisisnttwitter #ohwell

I got sick on taco salad. (Allergies, maybe?)

And I got really lost for a while! Too much with not enough sleep. It took it’s toll on my heart and mind.

I miss my dog like crazy. When she passed back in August, everyone told me I’d learn to live with the pain… But it still hurts like that day. And sometimes I worry that I’m not recovering properly and it makes me want to run crying back to my therapist. But I also desperately need to be stronger than that. For me and my parents. I want them to know I’ll be okay in the real world. And I need to actually be okay.

I think that’s enough for one night.

Pinky promise I’ll post more.

Bueno sera,
E.F.

It has been quite a while.
A lot has happened, as you could’ve guessed. Much happens in the day-to-day, every-day life of a living, breathing human being.

FIRSTLY.
I have sucessfully auditioned for my number one college- the University of Kansas in Lawrence, Kansas. I also auditioned for UNCG this past weekend, and I surprised myself with how much I liked the school and campus (it was my mother’s idea, so I went into it a little pessimistic). The students were fun to be around and the program was absolutely magnetic. Plus it’s cheaper than KU.
But that’s another argument Entirely.

In addition to college things, I also bought a new phone. A smart phone. An Android, to be precise. And I am in material love. I can post all the time now!!! 😀

The other pieces of my life are slightly more complicated.

I met a boy last April. Well, a man.
Anyways, we fell very quickly in a blind love. And for one short summer, we were as much the other’s as the rain to the sky. Then life got in the way and now he’s a Navy man. Out on the ocean for the next for years.

Lucky me.
(Did I mention he has the body of the David and eyes like the forest?)

Also.

I have two more auditions coming up for schools that do not yet have my applcations. Because I have not finished them yet. I should be doing them right now actually, yet here I am, blogging instead.

Anyways, they are both very prestigious, very expensive academy-type places with very qualified professors and very driven, determined, talented students. And I am attempting to join them.
And I haven’t even sent in my essays yet. Christ.

Also happening in my life now is a little, inconvenient gem by the name of High School. It’s a magical place filled with busy work and immaturity and mossyoak and bad teachers and high expectations and low determination and the whole place reeks of apathy. Eghk. Needless to say… I am ready to leave.

A part of the experience is enjoyable though. My friends, my boyfriend, and the music.
My friends keep me sane. They let me whine to a certain extent, but remind me how to be a tolerable human being. My boyfriend is still that teddybear of a man, doting but not overcumbersome. Sweet but not suffocatingly so. Independant, but shares the human experience. And seeing as I’ve known him since middle school, I am learning to trust him without much hesitance.
Now the only hitch with those two things is that they may get left behind as I leave, grow, and live. The music will never go, but… What about the rest? The habits, the familiar scenes? The shelter of home and family?…
I don’t know will happen when I leave this place, this time, and I suppose that scares me the most.
But what is to come…… It almost over shadows the fear.
The wonder at the future. The possibilities.
The endless, endless possibilities.

I’ve never explicitly expressed to you, my lovely readers, but I have a close, fiery connection to music and dance. It’s difficult to explain….but bear with me as I attempt to anyways.

It’s like being able to speak without the limitation of words. Unbridled expression, you might call it. But once you feel it, everything else becomes substandard. Regular conversions no longer sate your thirst for connection. Nothing seems real unless you’re moving without social statutes. And when you do… Nothing compares.
It’s like giving your soul a chance to be heard. Like the things you could never put into words to explain to someone are suddenly born into the world, like a once cloudy sky opened to reveal the sun and the stars and the planets and the galaxy all at once! And in this world you create for your soul… There is comfort, peace, and an unimaginable current of tranquility. The quiet thrum of life. And an undeniable warmth.
That is dance. The one thing I can always carry with me.

In the end, that’s what drives me. And that’s what it’s all about for me… It drives my every step, fills my dreams, and every waking hour, and will decide my future.

These possibilities keep my head up. Because even though high school is a drag and even though I have to leave my friends, family, home, love, and habits behind and even though there’s no way to tell for sure what’s going to happen (with anything, really), I know I’ll be dancing wherever I end up. And that’ll just be the beginning of a long beautiful journey.

May the odds be ever in your favor,
ebonyfeather